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Here we ar...wait. I'm early. I'm going to have a sandwich first.
Alright! He...ten more minutes? Bathroom break!
Umm..here, get yourself pumped up with this before the show starts.
At SASUKE 28, the All-Stars rode off into the sunset...or did they? This time around three of them are back! Another brought in four guys that will combine to form a giant robot that JUST might be able to complete the 1st Stage for him. Can the old-timers show those whipper-snappers just how it's done?
Or will the new stars shine once again?
It's SASUKE 29!
Hey! Yagyu-gaiden! SASUKE: Since 1997!
Let's look at photos of newspaper photos of the SASUKE ASEAN Cup announcement.
WERE YOU ONE OF THE 161? WRITE IN. (Or don't).
Let's look at a montage of spoilers and fails!
Kanno, Yuuji, Asa and Nagano carry a Japanese flag..shirtless. That was melodramatic.
Let's go to the studio..before something exciting happens! Not quite as many people this time. I'll get you their names later. I know Karen Michibata off the top of my head.
105 seconds to clear.
2. Kenji Hamatani of Hamaka-n! Is first. Does schtick first. Long Jump...is successful! Log Grip up next. Yes! Hedgehog...can he do it? Just does! Jumping Hang...NO! Too low! Zenzen tondenai!
3. Yuusuke Kosugi! He has a jinrikishaw! Long Jump...NO! Faceplant in the sand!
4. Double dutch player MASA! Long Jump...looking winded already. He does it! Log Grip. He sprays up. Through! Hedgehog..NO! You can't just waltz through it.
6. Katsuhide Torisawa BREAKS A BAT! AND THEN FACEPLANTS IN THE SAND! Ouch.
11. Yuuta Kajiwara! Is next. But first, your children needs to learn people!
Long Jump..YES! Dekimashita! Log Grip..Legs come off but he's through! Hedgehog...Through! Jump Hang..NO! He went right by the way. Hamatani went left.
12. Kozo Takeda! He's a fighter! Long Jump..slowly. Shuffle..FACEPLANT!
17. Hayato Enokido! He's a pro bodyboarder. Long Jump is OK..but the Log Grip is NOT!
21. Takayuki Suzuki! He's the first Mr. Japan. Long Jump is fine! Log Grip is up next. Through! Hedgehog..No problem! Jump Hang...Bad Timing! AGAIN! But he doesn't use the trampoline!
22 (Tomomi Takano) fails the Jump Hang! 23 (Yuusuke Onuki), 24 (Naoki Sakamoto) go down to the Hedgehog!
So does 25 (wall). And 27! And 28! (hedgehog)
31. Rina Sawayama! Long Jump! Is through! Log Grip is up next. And she falls just at the end!
32. Minowaman! Takes his time! Here he goes! He's on...and then off! That was a face he made. Didn't help though!
33. Oracchio of Dangan Jackie...but after these messages.
Back! He was a former gymnast. It's essential to his schtick. Log Grip is clear! Hedgehog up next. A Jackie Chan-esque flip into the water!
34. Hits the sand! 35. Doesn't clear the Hedgehog!
And...that brings us to 36!
36. Shingo Yamamoto! He has decided to give SASUKE another shot! And he actually went through the qualification process! And got back on the show! Here he goes! Long Jump is good! Log Grip...Yes! Hedgehog up next...but first let's look at some commercials.
Wow, the Log Grip bounced kind of hard there. Hedgehog clear! Jump Hang...Yes! Looking good! He went right. Ni-Ren Soritatsu Kabe..1st Wall! 2nd Wall! Both on the first try! Tarzan Rope and lots of time! He's back! Unless he falls here. One never knows. 15.6!
Umm...41. Kouji Hashimoto is clear!
42. Shootboxer Rena! Is through to the Jump Hang! And she blows the jump!
44 fails the Long Jump! As does 45! 46 Tomoyuki fails the Ni-Ren Soritatsu Kabe.
Sorry, I got sort of distracted by them glossing over Hashimoto clearing the 1st Stage.
IT'S YAMADA GUNDAN TIME!
47. The 1st Black Tiger fails the Jump Hang!
48. The 2nd fails the Ni-Ren Soritatsu Kabe.
49. The 3rd faceplants on the Long Jump.
50. Yamada's last hope! AND HE FAILS THE LONG JUMP.
51, 52 faceplant. 53 fails the Hedgehog.
56. Li En Zhi! Is back! Sorry...I was having computer issues. He's clear! AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE.
And we skip ahead to 73.
73. Hioki Masashi! Let's look at his past SASUKE history. Long Jump, Log Grip and Hedgehog are no problem! He goes left on the Jump Hang! Ni-ren Soritatsu Kabe up next. 1st Wall...on the 2nd try! 2nd Wall up next. YES! Thirty seconds! Needs to hurry a bit. The Tarzan Rope takes longer than you'd think! Hurry! YES! With 2.8 left!
Hmmm...they seem to be playing him up a bit. Tears are shed! Shinya's collar is popped!
A bunch of fails! Yuuji Washimi! Keita Tomino!
79. Yuusuke Morimoto! He's back! He's young! He's trained with Mr. SASUKE! Is that the kiss of death? It was in the past. Perhaps he's learned. Long Jump, Log Grip and Hedgehog are clear! As is the Jump Hang! 1st Wall! 2nd Wall! Tarzan Rope is next. Not a lot of time though. 9.6! He's through!
Let's cut to the studio while I try to catch up..
OK, looks like Yamamoto, Hashimoto, Li, Morikami, Hoshikawa, Inoue, Katakabe, Takami, Ishikawa, Hioki, Morimoto.
81. Tomoko Hagiwara! She was an Olympic swimmer. And she takes the loooong fall from the platform after the Hedgehog into the water!
83. Ryo Miyazaki! He's a pro boxer! And champion! And he defeats the Long Jump! Log Grip up next. Yes! Announcer is not making boxing jokes. Hedgehog. Slowly! But he does it! Abunakatta! Jump Hang..NO! Bad jump off the trampoline, really.
84. Daisuke Nakano! He was in the Athens Olympics! He got a silver medal in gymnastics (team, I believe). Long Jump and Log Grip are clear! Hedgehog is no problem! Jump Hang! NO! Ummm...yeah. You really can't try to grab both sides. Nice form though.
85. Kinnikun Nakayama! POWER! Long Jump is clear. Log Grip up next. POWER! Hedgehog up next. Through! Jump Hang next. He goes right! Needs to hurry though. Ni-Ren Soritatsu Kabe. 1st Wall..YES! 2nd Wall up next. 2nd Wall...Has he blown himself up! YES! Needs to hurry though! Time is going to go red soon. Less than ten seconds to get up. Needs to hurry. Just as he gets up the time is UP!
86. Wakky! He timed out on the Tarzan Rope in SASUKE 28. Long Jump and Log Grip are no problem. Hedgehog up next. Slow but sure. Jump Hang. He gets the net! He went right by the way. Ni-ren...1st Wall! Yes! 2nd Wall...lots of time. YES! First try! Tarzan Rope...it's going to be close. Fifteen seconds. Time is going red soon. Needs to hurry. YES! 2.4 left!
Hiromichi Sato is impressed.
87. Kongu Takahashi and 89 Okuyama and 90 (Kadono) and 91 (Yamamoto). And 93 (Shunsuke Nagasaki).
94. So of course we get to see Hiromichi Sato fail the Long Jump. SOME people are surprised. Most probably are not.
95. Toshihiro Takeda! Long Jump! Yes! Log Grip is no problem! Hedgehog up next. YE...NO! He slips! And he's on the side...can he pull himself up? NO!
96. Kazuma Asa! He's a bit emotional. Long Jump. YES! Log Grip up next. And he's through! Hedgehog. Yes! He goes right on the Jump Hang. Ni-Ren Soritatsu Kabe. Leaving nothing to chance! He gets both walls on the first try. Lots of time left. Wooo...30.30 left! He destroyed the course!
97. Check out those guns! Hitoshi Kanno, 98 Ryo Matachi and 99 Yuuji Urushihara are all through!
Now, there is only one left. Number 100. Makoto Nagano's run is coming up after these messages!
Let's look at Nagano's triumphs and (recent) tragedies on the SASUKE course.
He wants his son to see him press that button.
100. Makoto Nagano! Not quite night yet. Long Jump and Log Grip are no problem. Hedgehog is cleared! Jump Hang. His head snaps back but he gets it! Did he pull something? Holding his back leg. Ni-ren..1st Wall..YES! 2nd Wall...not on the 1st try! Still has time. Time is up!
Looks like he hurt himself on the Long Jump.
That's the end of the 1st Stage!
Back to the studio!
Cross Slider. Swap Salmon Ladder. Unstable Bridge. Spider Walk. Back Stream. Passing Wall. 90 seconds.
Let's talk to SOME people.
21 have cleared! But now we will start to winnow down the numbers!
36. Shingo Yamamot is up first! Cross Slider. Swap Salmon Ladder. Looking good so far. One bar run. YES! Unstable Bridge next. YE..wait. YES! Spider Walk. Needs to hurry, I thi...commercials first.
Spider Walk. Needs to hurry. Back Stream next. Time is going to go red soon. NO! SHINGO CAN'T SWIM! SHINGO CAN'T SWIM! NO! Time up! His wife is a bit peeved that he did nothing.
41. Koji Hashimoto up next! Cross Slider! Swap Salmon Ladder! Clear! Unstable Bridge and Spider Walk are cleared! Back Stream...is a lot more difficult than last time! He even had goggles!
56. Li En Zhi is next! He has a group of supporters from Taiwan! Cross Slider is OK. Swap Salmon Ladder. Last run. Yes! Unstable Bridge. Spider Walk up next. May need to pick up the pace though. Back Stream up next. YES! Wait...YES...YES! But just as some logos pop-up. Commercial time.
Needs to hurry! Time is going red. 1st Wall...Time is up!
57. Daisuke Morikami also times out! And so does 60. Hoshikawa. Inoue fails the Cross Slider. Katakabe fails the Swap Salmon Ladder. And Takami. Ishikawa times up after the tank.
73. Masashi Hioki is up next! Cross Slider, Swap Salmon Ladder. Unstable Bridge...not a lot of time. Spider Walk. Less than twenty seconds before he even hits the tank. Time is going red. That's it! Damn. The Back Stream is a time killer.
Umm..it's not image training if he actually has a replica.
79. Yusuke Morimoto! He has a backyard with SASUKE replica obstacles. He needs to cut the grass though. Whoops. Through to the Spider Walk. More than 30 seconds. That's a good time. He's almost through. Lots of time. Hurry! Passing Wall. 1st Wall..time going red. Last wall! Hurry! He goes under! 0.8 left! He's our first!
OK, you have to get to the Back Stream with at least 30 seconds. Hioki got there with 20. It takes at least 10 seconds to get through it.
86. Wakky! Cross Slider. Swap Salmon Ladder. Can he do it? Not sure but he needs to pick up the pace. NO! He was thinking about the time.
12 have tried! One has cleared!
87. Kenji Takahashi! Cross Slider. Swap Salmon Ladder. Good pace so far. Last rung...onto the Unstable Bridge. Through! Spider Walk. Good time so far. Back Stream next. He powers through! Needs to hurry though. Passing Wall. 1st Wall! 2nd Wall! 3rd Wall! 5.1 left!
Okuyama! Kadono! Yamamoto! Time out on the Back Stream!
93. Shunsuke Nagasaki! He coaches kids! Cross Slider. Swap Salmon Ladder. Unstable Bridge next. NO! Wasting time here. Spider Walk. I don't think he's going to make it. Back Stream! Time is going red! And after the 1st Wall the time is up!
96. Kazuma Asa! Cross Slider. Swap Salmon Ladder. Last rung coming up. Unstable Bridge. Yes! Spider Walk next. Lots of time going into the Back Stream. Struggling a bit but he has a time cushion. Through!
Commercials. KANE KOSUGI COMMERCIAL!
Twenty seconds going into the Passing Wall. 1st Wall. 2nd Wall is butt opened. 3rd Wall. YES! 4.0 left!
Hahaha...Asa is done crying. He's out for 3rd Stage revenge!
97. Hitoshi Kanno! Err...up to the Spider Walk. Lots of time. Maybe. Depends on how good a swimmer he is. YES! Lots of time left! Here he goes! Time is red. 3.8 left! He's through!
Let's get a reaction from his lady friend.
98. Ryo Matachi! He timed out last time! Cross Slider. Swap Salmon Ladder. Through! Unstable Bridge next. Through! Spider Walk. Needs to hurry. Back Stream. Kind of flailing. Uh oh. That's not good. NO! Time is going red. That's it! Oh my.
99. Yuuji Urushihara is next! And last! Cross Slider. Swap Salmon Ladder. Last rung. Unstable Bridge next. Spider Walk. Good pace right now. Lots of time now. Speedy! Back Stream. He goes under. Staying up requires more power. Struggling at the end! Needs to hurry! NO! Time is running out. NO! That's it! The Back Stream has claimed another victim!
Four have survived! Seventeen are just wet!
We have now entered the SASUKE ASEAN CUP portion of our programming. There are places for Gold, Silver and Bronze. That means one out of the four will be left out. Who will it be?
Yusuke Morimoto is up first. There is a clock on the screen. It's to determine who has the fastest (final) time. Rumbling Dice is through! Having trouble on the Iron Paddler though. Whoa! He's trying to use his body to power through and he almost goes too far over. Almost there. Damn. That took a lot out of him. Crazy Cliff Hanger up next.
The clock, then, penalizes you for resting too long between obstacles. At the jump....here he goes..YES! He is the first person to clear the obstacle! Granted only three people attempted it before him. Still.
Curtain Cling. He's the first person to try this (version) of the obstacle. And he clears! Vertical Limit! He's the first to try this too! He's through! Getting himself set. Now the 1st person to try the new Pipe Slider! But commercials first.
Back. Can he do it?
At the end...swinging...NO! He had a foot on and then was out! The Curse of Katsumi Yamada has struck again!
Kenji Takahashi is next! He found a great place to practice the Crazy Cliff Hanger jump! Roughly 30 minutes of airtime left.
Rumbling Dice! The classic Rumbling Dice overhead shot. Iron Paddler next. HOLY COW. That was fast. Well, now we know how that is supposed to work.
Crazy Cliff Hanger but...lets look at some commercials first.
Crazy Cliff Hanger. NO! He lost his grip! D'oh!
So does that mean Morimoto is guaranteed bronze?
Kazuma Asa! Let's look at recycled footage! And...commercials before he does anything.
Rumbling Dice is cleared! Iron Paddler is no problem! Clearly Kongu has shown us the way.
Crazy Cliff Hanger. At the jump. Here he goes..NO! Damn.
So now Morimoto gets at least silver, right?
Unprompted and unexpected hug!
Let's look at Kanno almost go flying off into the street off of Ryo's roof.
Last man standing! Hitoshi Kanno!
Rumbling Dice is no problem!
Iron Paddler up next. Yes! Ironically, the person who had the hardest time with it tonight went the furthest so far.
Crazy Cliff Hanger next. Nine minutes left.
Here he goes. At the jump...Commercials!
Getting set for the jump. NO! Oh wow.
NO ONE. NO ONE expected Yusuke Morimoto to go the furthest, if they even remembered who he was from the previous shows. SASUKE-kun!
Wait...hold on. Did I miss something? Because no one reached the Final Stage, there are no automatic slots to the ASEAN Cup? I'm confused.
OK. Hold on. They go to the house and NOW they invite Morimoto. But for the rest you have to check the homepage!
That's it! The Back Stream became a huge competitor killer this time, which is fine with me. This time NO ONE should have been surprised that they had to swim yet clearly people were unprepared for it and even the ones that did practice for it struggled.
There were a bunch of first time clears (even if they didn't get screen time) and we possibly saw a new star in the making. Someone who was not even in the 1st Grade when SASUKE first started.
On to the ASEAN Cup! Oh there's something going on in America but I don't really pay attention to that.