Tuesday, December 23, 2014

究極の男は誰だ!?最強スポーツ男子頂上決戦2014 Sports Danshi Grand Prix 2014!

Just got home. Celebrating the Emperor's birthday is serious business.

Our host hosts.

YOU can win a Toyota Land Cruiser Prado! Or maybe just a big key.

1st Event: The Fence!

15 meters of pure metal!

Mandy Sekiguchi! Our defending champion! He's in a red jersey. Unfortunately, he lost the flattop.

And his opponent will be...everyone is looking to check. It's Masato! He gets the legend tag.

1st Pair: Mandy Sekiguchi and Masato

Ready. GO! About the same as we go to the commercial. Thanks for spoiling one of the final three, TBS. Why don't you just not show the replay of SASUKE in my area while you...oh.


They're off! About the same. Mandy having a bit of a problem. Masato about to get the top first. He's way ahead. 22.83!  41.64 for Mandy. Is it the pressure?

Masato is first. After two.

2nd Pair: Ryusei Yokohama and Yuki Sawa! Lots of shirtless posing during their pre-taped intros.

Both are under the age of 21. Will youth prevail tonight? They're off. Sawa off to a good start but Yokohama is not far behind. Sawa lost his footing! Yokohama is almost there! 28.37! He'll be second! Sawa finishes with a 30.50.

3rd Pair: Robin (from Hawaii) and Daiki Miyagi. Miyagi is on Terrace House, a reality show on TBS. Synergy!

Dare da? After this commercial.


Robin up quickly! Miyagi is struggling! Robin in the red zone. Still a bit behind the lead times though. 26.97 for him. Miyagi is still going. 37.33 for him. At least he's not last!

3rd Pair: Yosuke Imai (another Terrace House person - complete with Taylor Swift music) and Nagase Kamen Rider guy.

4 percent body fat!

They're off! About the same but Nagase loses his footing but makes up for it! He's almost up! Imai is strugglging! 36.89 for Imai. 23.50 for Nagase. He's in 2nd!

Another Legend. Screaming Iketani is my favorite. Ladies clap politely while Iketani wants to show that there's no difference between him and the young uns.

4th Pair: Naoki Iketani and Yusuke Onuki. Legend versus Dancer!

They talk about Onuki's elite DNA.

Dochi da?

Go! But we get a commercial first. No finals spoilers this time.


About the same but Iketani with a slight lead. Both in the red zone! Last spurt! Almost a photo finish! 22.89 for Onuki and 23.29 for Iketani. Masato stays in the lead!

5th Pair: Hayato Takizawa is all sweaty and Ryo Matsuda (another Kamen Rider guy). Hrm..some foreshadowing.

Here we go! Takizawa with a slight lead. In the red zone! NO! Matsuda slips! He's out! 27.09 for Takizawa and NOTHING for Ryo Matsuda.

Masato is still in the lead! I smell a fix!

6th Pair: Seiya and Oh..Seiya has a job on NHK and Toshihiro Nobuyama with One Direction background music.

Hrm. They are leaving Gaku Sano and Wataru Mori for last maybe?

Dochi da!

Go! Both are quick up! Nobuyama in the lead! In the red zone! Nobuyama gets sparkles! Seiya behind him. 17.90 for Nobuyama! Our first sub-20!

But now it's time for two past champions in Gaku Sano and Wataru Mori, who had a VERY vocal fan in the audience. Oh wait. That's his wife.

7th Pair: Gaku Sano and Wataru Mori. I missed Seiya's time but he's not in the running so whatever. Did I miss a pair?

17.90 is the time to beat.

They're they go! Mori is behind. Sano is blazing up the Fence. Sano is done! Mori is well behind. 16.83 for Sano. And 21.13 for Mori! Which is enough for third.

2nd Event: Hard Jumper!

This is new.

1st Group: Imai, Masato, Iketani, Yokohama

Timing and stamina needed here!

Not much to say as they are just jumping. Masato is out! At only 28! Others are still going strong. Past 50 now. Imai is out at 56. The oldest versus the youngest now. Iketani visibly struggling. And he's out! At 85. Yokohama wins group 1!

2nd Group: Sawa, Mori, Onuki, Nagase

Here they go! Going into 20. All are past Masato (not that it matters). Going into 50. Everyone still alive! Nagase is out! Past 70. Past 80. Going into 90. Mori struggling. Sawa looks cool. Past a hundred. 125. Onuki struggling. And he's out! At 141! Mori is skipping at this point. Sawa still going strong. And that's...wait. I'm confused. Whoops. Sawa screwed up. Mori is in!

3rd Group: Takizawa, Sekiguchi, Miyagi, Matsuda

Takizawa is out early! Others are still going. Fast forward to 60. Matsuda is out! Miyagi and Sekiguchi left. Almost at a hundred. Miyagi is out!

4th Group: Robin, Nobuyama, Sano, Seiya

They're off!

All still around at 30. Seiya seems to be losing the timing though. Dangerous. Into 50. Nobuyama is out first! He stepped on the hurdle. Seiya is out! He was losing it! Robin and Sando left. Sano trips! It's Robin!

Championship group: Sekiguchi, Yokohama, Mori, Robin

The hurdles are slightly sped up, I believe.

Whoa, that seems a bit fast.

Yokohama looks like he doesn't have the timing. But it's Robin out first! Mandy seems to have it in control. Almost at 90. Yokohama is out! Down to Sekiguchi and Mori! Iketani cheers on Mori! Past 120. Who will it be? NO! Mori can't do it anymore! Sekiguchi is the winner!

Mandy moves up to 4th. Mori is now in 1st. Sano and Robin follow. Nobuyama tied for 4th.

3rd Event: Monster Box

Oh hey, Maggie is there.

Iketani versus the new stars! I'm assuming they mean Mori and Sano and not just everyone else.

13 boxes: Iketani looking smug.

Easy jump for him.

Mori next. Sano is the first show off. How great would it have been if he failed?

Mandy has no problem. Wonder why they are showing all this. Ah. Setting up Iketani versus the whippersnappers.


Back. Still at 13.

Robin is a darkhorse. He's through as is Yokohama.

Masato up next. He did the Monster Box back in '02. He could just do 13 back then.  And he does it now!

15 boxes. Same height as that rare beast in the wild, a telephone booth.

Imai is out here! And Miyagi is out too! No more Terrace House!

Yokohama up next. He just gets it! Legend Masato up next. He's through!

16 boxes. 13 left.

I wonder if Iketani is subtly mocking the others with his shuffle. Anyway, he's through. Mori has some thoughts about that. Iketani gives the nod of "yeah, you did that."

An out of control looking jump still gets Sano through.

MANDY SEKIGUCHI TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF FOR EXTRA POWER! But we'll know the result only after these commercials.

Back. His shirt is still off.

It works!

Still at 16. Onuki up next. He's through! He thinks he can get up to 18.

Yokohama THSOFEP. And it doesn't work! He's out!

Masato is up next. AND HE THSOFEP.  Once one person unleashes his abs everyone else just follows.


Hmmm...I think his butt grazed the edge.  Yep. You can see the white move a bit. He's out!

17 boxes barely fits in your house.

11 are left.

Iketani's children cheer him on. No problem!

Sano up next. Too early for him to THSOFEP. Lots of air with lots of extracurriculars after.

By the way, past champs get stars on their jerseys. Mandy's is somewhere as his shirt is still of but he gained no extra power.

A bunch of others clear 17. Do or die for Mandy.

17 boxes. 2nd Try.

Seiya THSOFEP. Nobuyama and Onuki did too but it only worked for Seiya.

Here he goes. Did he do it?

Let's go to the slo-mo! Yes! The fix is in!

Giri giri!

8 are left!

18 is taller than a bald old man in a public bath.

18 boxes.

Iketani is up first to show 'em how it's done.  He gets a clap going. That's new. What's with that weird shuffle. I'm pretty sure he's trolling people.

Mori next. He's through!

Sano up. No! That get's a maji from Wataru.

Mandy up next. 18 is his personal best. Can he top it tonight? NO! Not enough speed on his run. He's relying on his arms a lot once he gets up.

Robin next. Still has his shirt on. Yes! It was kind of ugly but whatever gets you over. He's topped his personal best.

Nagase was our first run into the box guy. Seiya failed too. As did someone else.

18 boxes. 2nd try.

Sano THSOFEP because it's do or die for him. No problem! Clearly the wind on your nipples increases your ability to Monster Box.

Mandy up next. He's in 4th so he needs a good showing here. Gosh darn he gets paused a lot.



NO! He's out! He'll end his day at 17.

Nagase, Matsuda and Seiya are all out.

19 is quite high.

Iketani is up first. He's through! Sha!

Pressure on all the others now.

Wataru Mori is up next. At 31 he's one of the show's elder statesmen. Yes!

Wow, Iketani's abunai was right. He had to re-angle his head at the end to clear.

Sano next. Two are already through. And that's three!

More than enough air on that one. Tons of pressure on Robin.

Robin is in third now. A win or tie would put him in 2nd. AND HE DRIVES HIS CROTCH INTO THE MONSTER BOX.

19 boxes. 2nd Try.

Only Robin. And he THSOFEP. Of course. Call me when someone doffs their shorts. NO! He's done!

Down to the same three as last time.

Iketani! Mori! Sano!

20 boxes is bigger than a small helicopter.

20 boxes.

Iketani first. But first, some commercials.


Legend versus Shinsedai! Where have we heard that before?

Whoa! Warning light time! Let's go to the replay!

No! His legendary butt (and then his legendary back for good measure) graze the box!

Mori next. NO!

Iketani with a slightly snarky sounding doushita?

That's two who'll have to try one more time.

Sano up next. Will he be the first to do it?

Warning light! Looks like the inside of his leg grazed the box. It was just his shorts! He gets it!

20 boxes. 2nd try.

Whoa Iketani hasn't lost a Monster Box competition in 15 years? Is that right?

Iketani THSOFEP between jumps. He's serious! Legendarily serious!

Freeze frame!

Let's look inside the Prado YOU could win tonight!

Back to Iketani's 2nd try. NO! Legendarily impossible!

Of course Mori THSOFEP. He NEEDS to.

In a diss to Sano. Iketani says that if he's going to lose, he wants to lose to Mori.

Handshake of respect and disrespect! To Mori and Sano respectively.


Iketani is disappointed.

Iketani moves up to 5th. Mori is still in the lead!

From here, the bottom eight go bye-bye.

4th Event. Pulls Drive!

1st Pair: Sano and Nobuyama. Nobuyama goes for THS..and Sano does it too. You know what they did.

Sano is in 2nd. Go! Time is important, of course. Sano behind. Nobuyama in the lead. Sano struggling. 34.09 for Nobuyama! Sano still going. But he times up! You have two minutes!

Nobuyama is first after two.

2nd Pair: Nagase and Sawa. Sawa gets a 102.95. Nagase times out.

3rd Pair: Matsuda and Yokohama both time out.

Seiya was able to do it but he got digested. Oh wait. Did he?

4th Pair: Robin and Iketani. Nobuyama still in the lead. Robin with a slight lead. But both are moving. Both are close! Iketani almost there! 58.01 for him! Robin needs a bit more! Almost there! Past a minute! Almost there! Just did! 128.02! Iketani now in 2nd!

6th Pair (we'll just say Seiya was in the 5th): It's a Terrace House explosion! Imai and Miyagi.

Both moving along fine so far. They are two of the bulkier contestants. Most are slim models. Past forty seconds for both. Iketani looks safe in 2nd. Past a minute. Miyagi almost there. Miyagi gets 119.69. Imai is struggling.  NO! Imai times out.

Miyagi is in 4th.

7th Pair: Onuki and Masato. This is something that Masato should probably excel at.  Just in case, he THSOFEP. Why even put it on, man? Why even put it on?


Masato's car is rolling along nicely. Almost there already! He's done! Onuki still going. And he's done! 36.22 for Masato. Onuki with 45.65! Nobuyama still in the lead! Iketani now 5th!

Nobuyama used his whole body. Masato relied mainly on his arms.

8th Pair: Mori and Sekiguchi. Mori THSOFEP. As does Mandy. This is SERIOUS.

GENERATIONS, Mandy's bandmates are there.


Mandy working that chain fast and furious. Mandy clearly in the lead. Almost on Nobuyama's time. Mandy is done! I don't think he beat Nobuyama though. Mori not done yet. NO! He times out. So close! 40.06 for Mandy!

Your winner is Nobuyama!

Mori still in the lead. Nobuyama now in 2nd with Mandy in 3rd.

5th Event. Power Wall.

The bottom eight are gone.

1st Round

1st Match-Up: Mori versus Onuki. Mori is in the lead but he needs to at least get to the 2nd round to be safely in the top three. They've THSOFEP. Go!! Onuki with an early lead. Mori fighting back. Onuki with a big push! That's it! Onuki, who had the height and weight advantage just got that momentum.

2nd Match-Up: Sekiguchi versus Iketani. Should be a foregone conclusion, sorry Iketani. Sekiguchi with a big size advantage. Sekiguchi is a two time Power Wall winner. Iketani puts up a fight but it was Mandy all the way.

3rd Match-Up: Sano versus Robin. Sano in 4th right now. He gets a better match-up than Mori or Iketani. Shirts go aflying. Sano with a slight lead. Robin has a slight size advantage. But it's not as pronounced as the other match-ups. If Sano loses here, he's probably out. Robin with a big lead but Sano is fighting back! Sano not giving up! Almost even again. Robin with a slight lead if he holds on. And that's it!

4th Match-Up: Masato versus Nobuyama. IS MASAT...oh. I thought he was going for his shorts. Nobuyama with an early lead. Masato fighting back. He's got the momentum going. That's it!

2nd Round

1st Match-Up: EXILE PRIDE versus Onuki. It'd be better for Mori if Mandy won (yeah, I'm biased). Start! At a stand-still!



Sekiguchi with a slight lead now. Onuki looks...scary, actually. Like he'll pop a vein in his head or something. Mandy with the lead. Onuki looks cray cray and finally Sekiguchi puts him away! Onuki could only hold Mandy off for a bit.

2nd Match-Up: Robin versus Foregone Conclusion. Need I say that shirts have been doffed? Masato with a slight lead. Masato with the big push. And that's it!

It's on like Donkey Kong. Masato versus Mandy!

Power Wall Final

Mandy Sekiguchi versus Masato.

The giant head still does nothing. At least make flames shoot out of it's nostrils or something.

Mandy with a slight lead as both men drive themselves into the wall.

But commercials first.


Mandy with a slight lead. Masato fighting back. Back even. Mandy with some momentum. Still mainly even. Mandy with more of a lead. EXILE POWER! Masato fights back! Still Mandy with the lead though. Now Masato with the lead! Less than ten seconds. It's MASATO!

Power Wall winner: Masato!

So who will be the final three? Did Masato do enough with his win to make up the points? Mandy will probably be first because he reached the final.

Final Event: Shotgun Touch

Mandy Sekiguchi is in the lead! Then Masato and finally Wataru Mori rounds out our final three.

Mori has to go the furthest to make up the points.


Mandy needs this to keep his lead.

No problem!


Masato to try to take over. Here he goes. Yes? No? Slo-mo? Shingi no lamp! Looks close! Yes! He's in the lead by five.


Mori tries to take the lead from Masato who took the lead from Mandy who was the leader. Yes! He's up over Masato by ten now.


Mandy gets it to retake the lead.


Masato will try to regain the lead. It's basically the first person to miss is out at this point. Masato is currently in third. NO! Not even close! It's down to Mori!

Masato will finish at third!

Mori gets 11m00cm to take the lead!


If Mandy misses, it's Mori's title.


He has a 25 point lead now.


Mori to try to retake the lead. Mori's best is 11m30cm. Can he top his personal best?

Here he goes.


YES! We keep going! Or maybe not. The warning lamp is on.

YES! He just got a finger on it! He has a five point lead.

Pressure is on Mandy.


To retake the lead. Or give the title to Mori. Which will it be?

J.Geils called. He said freeze frame!

Commercials as Mandy takes his leap.


Here he goes.

YES! Wait! The lamp is on! First angle is not clear. Second is! Yes! Thirty-five point lead for Mandy.


This is serious. 12 and over is pretty darn hard.

Mori will either be one or two after this. And he gets a freeze frame too!



NO! Warning lamp. Didn't look close. It wasn't!

That's it! Mandy Sekiguchi is our first repeat (and two-time) Sports Danshi Grand Prix champion!

Mr. Spodan!

Mandy Sekiguchi is number one. Mori two. Masato three.

Till next time!