SASUKE 2011! At the last SASUKE Yuuji Urushihara was all like "Dude, I got a new car!" And the All-Stars were all like "Dude, we totally got schooled by those kids."
What will...wait, what? There was a SASUKE between last January and now? I don't remember...oh. That's weird, I don't remember that one at all.
Let's start again...
SASUKE 2011! At the last SASUKE..stuff..umm..happened. No one got past the Ultimate Cliff Hanger. The All-Stars were frustrated once again as the New Stars proved that they belong in any discussion about who will be the next person to complete SASUKE, regardless of what people on the street think.
Oh, and Mr. SASUKE is back. He should have come back under a mask. That would have been mildly interesting...
While we're waiting for these commercials to finish let's go over the competitors list again...
Here we go!
0.12% Only 3 out of 2500 have ever finished SASUKE! Tonight, we will add one more? It's NAOTO 2011...I mean SASUKE 2011!
Oh gee, don't spoil too much during the opening TBS. Well, we already know what happens to the guy from Savanna.
Hey, we only have two and a half hours. Don't waste time with this stuff now! That's what Navi was for!
Let's look at all the different types of people who will take on SASUKE! I enjoy that TBS announcer is a category with stuntman and MMA fighter.
Fists raised! Black power!
1. Nishida Takayuki! He is a running coach! Here he goes! Steps. NO!
7. Torisawa Katsuhide blows all his energy smashing drinks! FACE FIRST INTO THE WATER after the steps!
8. Shinya Kishimoto bends a frying pan for your pleasure! Here he goes! Step Slider...YES! Hazard Swing..Itta! And our third new obstacle...the Rolling Escargot...NO! Head first into the water! THE FRYING PAN IS AVENGED!
Yoshio Kojima is up next! Do your schtick! Steps. YES! HE DOESN'T TRY THE BRIDGE! And he face plants!
17. Charisma host has his charismatic friends with him! Into the water after the steps!
18. Eiko Kanno! Uh huh. Steps, I bet. He kills time. He defies my expectations! Slowly on the Haazard Swing. And he actually gets it! On the Rolling Escargot...GOOD NIGHT! Not that we expected him to get very far.
We go back to number 9. Carlos from the Muscle Musical! He's a pro juggler. Steps! Yes! Hazard Swing. I bet he's there to say that SASUKE has representatives from whatever country he is from. He got the swing. And he loses his grip on the Rolling Escargot! Shingo is scared!
TBS announcer Yuuko Aoki 青木裕子! She doesn't reach the ropes!
TBS announcer Mai Demizu 出水麻衣 doesn't either!
Tsukiji sushi shop manager Hioki 築地すし鮮の日沖店長 goes out on the steps too!
Sorry, fell behind a bit!
23. Hideo Tokoro! NO! Didn't even get to the rope! The crowd gets down on him!
Minoru Kuramochi 倉持稔 is up next! And he's wearing a octopus costume! Here he goes! This time we won't see his butt! Steps. Slowly..YES! WAIT...He's still swinging...YES! NO! YES! He got it! Small Victories! Better than Hideo Tokoro! Slowly on the Hazard Swing...swinging...YES! He got the rope! Can he do it! Wait, he's blown up! Oh crud..He's going to DIE here. Rolling Escargot..Slowly. NO! Sorry, tweeting and watching at the same time...
Metal artist Daigo fails the steps! And so do some other people I know! I'll get them later.
14. Karate guy fails the Rolling Escargot.
Several people fail the Rolling Escargot including Rie Komiya and Kenjirou Ishimaru!
15. He's a cheerleader! Step Slider. Yes! Hazard Swing. Slowly. YES! Rolling Escargot...will he be the first..YES! Jumping Spider up next...NO! Ochitaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
24. Kouhei Mori of Shinsengumi Rian is up next! Steps. Yes! Hazard Swing...YES! Rolling Escargot up...YES! The next is the farthest any member o...never mind. He just failed the Jumping Spider.
25. Tetsuji Sakakibara of Shinsengumi Rian! Steps and Hazard Swing are fine! Rolling Escargot..Daijoubu! Jumping Spider. He practiced this. He's up..YES! Can he do the Walk though? Let's take a commercial first.
Back...Half-Pipe Attackuuuuu!!!!!! NO! Thanks for playing! Well, he got the farthest so far today.
27. Minowaman is up next! Steps! He almost stumbles but he's through! Hazard Swing...slowly...THE PEOPLE ON THE STREET KNOW NOTHING! NOTHING
Both members of Monster Engine fail the Steps!
As does Mari Okamoto! And Ayano Fukuda! And Akimasa!
Masaki Nomura fails the Hazard Swing! As does soccer player Honda!
29. Takuya Kawahara of the Muscle Musical! He's buff! Steps and the Swing are no problem! Neither is the Escargot! Jumping Spider..YES! Walk and on to the Half-Pipe! YES! Soritatsu Kabe..1st try. NO! 2nd try...no. Third time is the charm! We see him do the Giant Swing but it's time for a commercial!
Back! He's running out of time! NO! The Near Miss Kid strikes again! THE CLOCK HATES TAKUYA? WHY YOU HATE TAKUYA, CLOCK?
Whoa, kind of fast forward. 60 have already failed!
61. Paul Kasemir. He's from America! He's a software engineer! And he does Parkour! He's here to represent G4! Oh..he's doing his run now. Whoops. Ummm..Steps, Swing, Escargot all yes! Jumping Spider...YES! Hey, Yuuji and Kongo! It's like a weird buddy film! Half-Pipe Attack...YES! He looks tall. Soritatsu Kabe in one try! Giant Swing..YES! He goes over. Aw man, I want to see Yuuji and Kongo do a buddy film so badly right now. Lots of time as he goes to the Tarzan Rope. Rope Ladder. The time is going red...YES! 0.8 left!
62. Brent Steffensen! He's a stuntman! And he gets fast forwarded to his finish at 8.2 seconds!
65. Daisuke Morikami of the Muscle Musical! He's a pro MTB rider! Steps and the Swing are no problem! Rolling Escargot...Slowly....YES! Jumping Spider...Itta! Kind of shaky on the Walk but he's through. Half-Pipe Attack! Yes! Can he be the first from Japan? Soritatsu Kabe on the first try! Giant Swing..on the second try! Needs to try to not get caught up in the net. Lots of time though. Here he goes. YES! Time is going red...needs to hurry...FOR THIS COMMERCIAL!
On the Rope Ladder...jikan ga nai! Hurry! YES! NO! Dameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Even more of a jump...80 have tried! Two have cleared!
"Sure, you Americans have two but our REAL guys are coming up soon."
84. David Campbell! Look at him rip on his guitar! And on his homemade set! Here he goes! Steps. Yes! It's like watching Christopher Daniels running SASUKE. Swing and the Escargot are no problem! And neither is the Jumping Spider. David Campbell Attack! Hahaha. The announcer actually said that. Soritatsu Kabe is no problem! Giant Swing! Yes! Lots of time. Here he goes! High up! I wonder why more people don't try to do that. YES! 21.5! No problems at all! Go David go!
76. Masumi Yagi of Savanna will fail the Steps here. AND THE COMMERCIALS DON'T LIE!
Mori and Ishida fail the Rolling Escargot! And a gymnast fails the Half-Pipe Attack.
Travis Furlanic clears the 1st Stage! No Japanese have cleared yet!
85. Terukazu Ishikawa of the Muscle Musical is up next! Steps, Swing and Escargot are no problem! Neither is the Jumping Spider! Can he be the first from Japan? Half-Pipe Attack! Kabe in one try! Giant Swing...YES! Enough time? Enough time. Tarzan Rope...Rope Ladder..he was a bit low. But no problem! Yes! 9.2! Let's see the replays!
87. Naoki Iketani! He hasn't done well at SASUKE recently. Here he goes! Steps. Yes! Swing. OK! His child is there. That's not a good time. Rolling Escargot...Slowly...YES! Jumping Spider. YES! He had problems on the Walk before..but not today! Half-Pipe...Whoops! OK! Did it cost him? Needs to reset. Kabe..YES! Does he have enough time? GIant Swing...YES! He needs to hurry. He might not make it...He needs to go. Tarzan Rope. 30 is usually safe but he's under that. Up to the platform. YES! 4.3! Wow! I did not expect that.
Daisuke Miyazaki is up next! He hasn't been to SASUKE in a year and a half! Cue the Kull Music!
88. Daisuke Miyazaki! Steps. Yes! Hazard Swing. People can lose time here. Yes! Rolling Escargot...no teammates for him this time. Whoa! It STOPPED! AND HE LOST IT! Oh wow. Well, back to handball success, endorsements and TV appearances.
Oh hey, it's Katsumi Yamada. Mr. Something or other. He wrote a sad sad letter to ask to come back to SASUKE.
The crowd chants his name as Genya starts to play (pay Musashi now!)
90. Katsumi Yamada. Hey, if he clears here, whatever. Steps. Swing...DARN! I mean, YES! Rolling Escargot...Slowly. He loses his footing! But he's OK! He's limping? Jumping Spider. He's UP! AND THEN HE'S DOWN. It actually took Nagano by surprise. Dude, have you even watched the last few years?
Well, at least he got on TV.
91. Hiromichi Satou! Here he goes. Sorry, I missed his soft focus piece. Steps and the Swing are OK! Rolling Escargot...YES! His wife is excited. Jumping Spider...NO!
NAOTO of EXILE is up next! He's the leader of J Soul Brothers, who are there to cheer him on. Steps! YES! Swing is OK! Rolling Escargot...He's got it! Jumping Spider is next. Yes! He needs to do the Walk...CMs first though.
Back! He's on the Walk now...A bit slow though. Will he have time? Half-Pipe Attack. NO! Thanks for lending your face to all the promotion though!
NAOKI fully expected NAOTO to fail the 1st obstacle.
Two from Japan! Four from America!
92. Brian Orosco! He ZOOMS through the Steps and Swing. Rolling Escargot is no problem for the man with the mustache. Mr. Ninja Warrior! Mr. USA! Hahaha. Jumping Spider and the Half-Pipe Attack are no problem! Kabe on the first try! Giant Swing...he's the first to go under! Lots of time! YES! 20.5 No heart attack for us this time! He's the American ace!
That's five! Pretty good for G4!
"The what are revolting?" "The chickens, sir! The chickens are revolting!"
94. Shingo Yamamoto! Here he goes! Steps is no problem...He needs to be careful. Swing is OK. Rolling Escargot...NO! It spun too fast at the end! Everyone is suitably shocked! Is this the earliest an All-Star has been knocked out? Cue the dramatic music.
Hitoshi Kanno..IS OUT AT THE ESCARGOT, TOO! And so is Kongo!
95. Lee En Chi! Can he redeem the New Stars? Steps and Swing are no problem! Rolling Escargot! OK! Tobimasu! Jumping Spider is OK! Half-Pipe...He has to swing back! Soritatsu Kabe...first try..NO! Second try...YES! Giant Swing...he needs to hurry though. He won't have much time. Time will go red soon...Can he do it? Go! GO! GO! YES! 1.3!
Yoshiyuki Okuayam is up next! But let's kill some time first.
97. Yoshiyuki Okuyama! Steps! Yes! Swing is no problem. And neither is the Rolling Escargot. Jumping Spider is a go! And so is the Half-Pipe Attack! Soritatsu Kabe on the first try! Giant Swing! He wastes time in the net. Needs to hurry. Rope Ladder...time is going red. hurry up man! YES! 2.5!
98. Koji Hashimoto gets the fast forward treatment but he's through and he didn't even take off his t-shirt!
Focus Nagano! He carries the weight of the All-Stars on his back!
99. Makoto Nagano! Here he goes! Steps. He always looks smooth on here. CMs.
Makoto Nagano! Steps. Hazard Swing. Rolling Escargot coming up...here he goes. YES! Jumping Spider. He had problems here last time. YES! WHOOPS! I JINXED IT!
Everyone is shocked. Not as shocking as it used to be to see Nagano fail but still and all...
100. Yuuji Urushihara! He's the leader of the New Stars! And...um...there's not that much time left. Here he goes. Steps! YES! Hazard Swing. YES! Rolling Escargot...this is scary...He loses time as he loses his footing but he's through. Jumping Spider. YES! NO! Wait..he can still do it! GO GO GO! YES! He's through but does he have time? Half-Pipe Attack...NO!
Well, almost every problem you could have on the obstacles, Yuuji just did. He landed on the platform wrong on the Half-Pipe Attack and that was it.
There are five Americans, four Japanese and 1 Taiwanese. And about fifty minutes left.
61. Paul Kasemir is up first! Slider Drop is OK! Double Salmon Ladder coming up. At the switch. YES! Unstable Bridge next. 1st board. 2nd board! YES! Balance Tank up next. YES! Metal Spin! Needs to hurry though! Wall Lifting YES! 2.5!
62. Brent Steffensen! Is fast forwarded! YES! 21.6!
Naoki Iketani is suitably impressed!
Travis Furlanic fails the Balance Tank!
David Campbell is through! That's three out of four! Koji Hashimoto feels the pressure!
Terukazu Ishikawa is the first Japanese competitor! Slider Drop. YES! At the Double Salmon Ladder. At the switch. NO!
Naoki Iketani is next! But first, some commercials.
87. Naoki Iketani! Slider Drop. Is this his first Salmon Ladder? Make it a double! He misses a rung! Back on track! At the switch. NO! Ahhh..zannen.
Brian Orosco gets through in fast forward!
Lee En Chi is the hope of Taiwan! Slider Drop! YES! Double Salmon Ladder and the Unstable Bridge are no problem! Balance Tank. YES! Metal Spin...He's had problems here before. YES! Wall Lifting. Enough time? Yes! And he's through!
Koji Hashimoto! He's the last of two! Can he do it? Slider Drop is no problem. Double Salmon Ladder too. The Unstable Bridge is..OK! Balance Tank. Yes! Metal Spin...NO! He had it then lost it! Wait. He never had it.
Yoshiyuki Okuyama is Japan's last hope!
The All-Stars are all gone. The New Stars are all gone. It's down to the man who is neither an All-Star nor a New Star.
Yoshiyuki Okuyama! Slider Drop is OK! Double Salmon Ladder. YES! Unstable Bridge. Slowly. YES! Whoa...not much time. Metal Spin. He reaches the Wall Lifting with 7 seconds left! But let's cut the drama with some CMs.
At the Metal Spin. Time is going red. Go! Go! GO! GO! G! YES! YES! YES! YES! 0.3 left! Wow! Everyone is suitably impressed.
Paul Kasemir is up first! Roulette Cylinder. Slowly. No time limit but still, hanging on to something like that for too long will sap your strength. Doorknob Grasper next. NO!
David Campbell is up next! Roulette Cylinder...wait. CMs first.
By the way, the unwritten TV rules of SASUKE state that there probably won't be anyone reaching the Final tonight. There's only 20 minutes left.
Back. He's past the Roulette Cylinder. Doorknob Grasper next. Slowly. Methodically. YES! New area, the Cycing Road. Yes! Ultimate Cliff Hanger up next. YES! He's at the first gap. Tries to pull himself up..NO!
Nagano and the others who stuck around are shocked.
Brent Steffensen doesn't get to the gap! He failed the Ultimate Cliff Hanger too.
Brian Orosco fails the Roulette Cylinder! And that's all the Americans!
Now, Taiwan's las..er..ONLY hope, Lee En Chi is up! Roulette Cylinder. Slowly. He can't quite reach the Doorknob Grasper yet..now he does. Whoa! He almost loses it! But he's through! Cycling Road next. He uses his momentum to take him up and then he's through! Ultimate Cliff Hanger up next. Will he be the first to do it? He doesn't go all the way up the first slant. First gap. YES! Going for the next...NO!
Yoshiyuki Okuyama is not just Japan's last hope. He is our only hope left to defeat the Ultimate Cliff Hanger! But hey, we only have less than ten minutes less. Let's waste time with videos and music!
Roulette Cylinder. He loses a hand! OK. Back on track. Doorknob Grasper. Slowly. But he's through! America versus Japan! Cycling Road is no problem. Here he goes...
Ultimate Cliff Hanger...here he goes. He gets up to the straight bar. First gap. YES! At the second gap but a commercial first.
Back! Here he goes...NO! He didn't even get into the jump motion! And that's it! Thanks for coming everybody!